I wanted to call my Mom yesterday.
Mom and I were not emotionally close, is the best way to put it. We had become practically close over the last few years, but if it weren’t for her sometimes reading my internet postings, she wouldn’t really know too much about me. I kept things very surface level with her because our relationship was complicated and we were very very different. BUT. Before she moved here I did kinda earmark certain superficial happenings as “Things Mom Would Like To Hear About” and one of those things kind happened yesterday and I thought, “I should call Mom to tell her about this.”
Grief with my Mom is very tangled. That’s the best word I can think to describe it. When my Dad died there was one thread of grief that wove through my heart and my mind and everything I was feeling made sense as far as my understanding of grief went. As I grieve I just make progress along the thread. Sometimes the path is meandering, but at least I’m moving forward on the thread. Even if forward is kinda in tight circles.
But with my Mom there is the one thread of grief because she has died, but then there’s the thread of trauma from how she died and the 4 days leading up to her last breath. Then there’s a frustrating thread of guilt that I logically know shouldn’t be there, yet it still is. That thread has me constantly regretting a lot of ways I handled my Mom and a lot of ways I kept her at arm’s length. My therapy brain understands all of that was necessary, but I still can’t let go of that guilt. Then there’s the thread of abandonment issues which I guess had always been there with Mom, as there was always still so much hurt from her leaving us and the life she chose to leave once she no longer had to be our Mom.
All of those threads are all tangled together and so I’ll think find myself wanting to call and tell her something about E’s cat and that’s when the thread of grief is right there in my hand, but as I try to work my way down it a bit, I get stopped by a thread of guilt that I didn’t let her keep all of her pets when she moved to Huntsville. And then I’ll hit the thread of abandonment when I remember how she was so much better at loving her pets than she was at loving us. And then I’ll hit the thread of anger at putting me in the position where I had to deal with the mess from all of her pets and her condo which was in such terrible shape. And then I’ll go back to the guilt thread because I don’t think she truly every liked the apartment I put her in here in Huntsville and then, finally, the trauma thread as I think about her last days in that apartment.
I can’t just work my way down this thread of grief for eventual healing and progress because I just keep getting tangled up in these knots with other threads and I get turned around and when I can finally break free of the knot I realize I’m no further along any threads than I was when I first thought, “I should call Mom.”
I just feel so stuck. And it’s so unexpected in many ways because I went to therapy to work through so many of my issues with Mom. I really did. I was truly able to view her abandonment and her lifestyle as part of a shame response from a very rough childhood and early adulthood. And I know I did the work because I don’t think I could have been there for her the last 3 years otherwise.
But maybe I just healed the surface of it all and her death just reopened all of those old wounds. I don’t know.
All I do know is it’s a struggle. It’s not just the grief, so it’s hard to explain to people. A lot of me is healing. I’m not having traumatic nightmares anymore. I’m not crying constantly. I’m not feeling terrors of guilt. But I’m still stuck inside of all of it. I can’t seem to move forward because I just keep following these threads and turning back around to other threads and I’m just stuck and it’s so frustrating.
I don’t think it helps that I feel kinda stuck in other ways as well. D is still on sabbatical; although he’s actively looking for work again so that should end soon. We’re still in this weird hybrid of school/virtual learning. I’m still not fully vaccinated and the kids won’t be until the age lowers. It’s just this weird waiting room. Waiting for things to get back to normal. Waiting for interviews. Waiting for income. Things are on hold until…[fill in the blank].
Not to mention the general feeling of despair over the state of the world. But that’s another post for another depressing day.
So while we’re stuck in this waiting room I’m also stuck in this knot and it’s just feeling a bit suffocating. I am just without direction and wandering and it’s just hard.
How’s that for an update? Jeezus. I only pop in every few days now to just kinda shine a light in the dark corners of my soul and then I leave again.
You’re welcome.
Kim, I'm so sorry. It would be nice if there was one answer or one solution to grief but it's complicated, especially when it's your parents. A tangled ball of yarn is a great analogy because each thread is uniquely different. It's okay to go deep sometimes. It sure hurts, but it's the only way forward. Not that I'm the one to be talking. My relationship with my Mom is so painful for both of us. I don't think I'd be able to do the things you did for your Mom. At least... not and still be able to enjoy the life I have with the rest of my family. Nope, I wouldn't be half the caretaker you are. If my Mom had been in the position your Mom was in, I think I'd walk away to protect myself and my marriage from what I am sure would be enormous emotional strain for me personally. I wish I could remove the burden of guilt and shame from your shoulders. You are not responsible for the world. You are responsible only for your own happiness. Others are responsible for theirs. It's the only way. <3
I don't have anything wise to share, but I think what you're feeling and doing makes complete sense. Of course this is the way grief will look having had such a complicated relationship with your mom. I'm not trying to downplay your struggle at all, just sometimes it is helpful to hear that what we are feeling is acceptable and okay and even maybe normal. I have felt some similar "stuck-ness" in the past few months due to the state of the world, so I can relate to that bit of it. It sucks. And I'm sorry you are feeling that way too. Lots of caring thoughts being sent your way.