I’m existing in this weird stasis lately. It feels like all of my emotional stability is like water at the base of a dam. Everything looks stable and calm on the surface, but the second the floodgates open up over. The danger of these situations warrant signs like this in the floodwaters of most dams that TVA manages in my area.
Unfortunately, I do not have an alarm system.
That’s probably because I never really know when the floodgates are going to open.
I was listening to a podcast about the history of the huge stadium seating movie theaters. Towards the end the two people were lamenting how much they miss movie theaters and watching movies with other people and to provide an example of what they missed they played the audio of this clip which I have seen 1000 time so I knew how it would hit me.
I watched Endgame in a theater on opening night. This was EXACTLY how the audience reacted at my showing too. I sobbed that night. I sobbed every time I’ve seen this video. I sob when I get to that spot in the movie. And I sobbed when they played the audio on that podcast.
SIDENOTE: I love going to opening night releases for this reason. I’ll never forget the crowd cheering when Edward walked by the cafeteria window in Twilight or when Molly says, “Not my daughter, you bitch!” to Bellatrix and the crowd lost their fucking minds. Being in a packed theater with people who are committed to loving a movie even before they see it? Is the ONLY thing I miss about the before-times.
ANYWAY…Unfortunately, I was not prepared for the release of the floodgates just minding my own business on my walk. Although, by now, I should have expected it. It seems that any time something makes me tear up, whether it’s this audio or my kids being jerks or Donnie and I fighting or a cute video of a blind dog…the second my emotions twinge for tears, it’s like there’s no holding back the rest of it. Suddenly I’m crying with the weight of 12 months of a pandemic and the grief and guilt surrounding my Mom dying and my worry for 1,000 different unknowable things and my sadness and my depression…it just all comes tumbling out without a warning siren or anything.
So there I was, on my walk on the Greenway listening to a podcast about movie theaters sobbing uncontrollably while people with dogs and strollers just tried not to look at me as they past. Thank god for my sunglasses which hopefully just left them thinking, “Was she crying?” without actually being certain.
But the rest of the time…when the damn is closed and quiet…I look super chill on the surface. Maybe a little sad (I heard the term “resting sad face” recently and that might just be my aging face now) but I’m capable of conversation and laughter and engagement and so no one is nervous to fish in small boats at the base of the damn.
And then something makes me tear up and I have to find a place to hide while the waters flow or else everyone is going to panic in fear and WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT NOW.
I still get chills and teary watching that clip. And I'm very much the same way with floodgates. For example, now I'm boo-hooing while I type this.
When I really think about it, over the past year, I think I've been depressed more. I feel like I've cried more and there are times I don't know why I'm crying, I just know I can't stop crying. I've also discovered that I'm an empath with those that I love and much that of that emotion sits heavy on my heart. As much as I don't acknowledge it's existence, it's still there affecting me.
Sorry for the diatribe on your blog post.
That's an excellent analogy. Hugs to you.