Differing Priorities
I let my kids live out of their laundry baskets.
I’m not someone who likes folding clothes. I used to just wad up categories of clothes into their drawers when they were younger. The shirt drawer. The shorts drawer. Etc. No folding or rolling, just cram it in and they consistently grab what is on top every time.
But as they got older it seemed like they had different systems that made sense to them for organizing their clothes and so I just started bringing them their clothes in a basket after I did laundry. Then I would nag them for days about putting them up. And then I would get frustrated because: Are the clothes in the basket clean or dirty? NO ONE KNOWS.
So I give them a basket of clothes and they just live out of it in forever.
Now, sometimes my daughter likes to put her clothes up because it helps her find things. But not Wesley. He lives out of that basket every day and never even entertains the idea of putting his clothes up. He puts his dirty clothes in a pile in the corner to keep them separate and you know what? I DO NOT CARE. No nagging from me. No irritation from him. If it works for him? IT WORKS FOR ME.
We never have company so I no longer do that thing where I look at my house with the eyes of someone worried what guests might think. Instead, over the past year, I’ve prioritized function over everything else. “Oh…Kim is snoring which keeps Donnie awake and therefore makes her sleep poorly? Well, let’s throw a mattress on the living room floor and let that be where Kim sleeps!”
Also? I like to do art. Sometimes I paint, a lot of times I like to just doodle in my bullet journal…but I’m less likely to do any of it if my supplies are put up some place. If they’re out, I’m more likely to use them. So, when I took over the desk in the living room (Donnie is taking the bedroom work area so he can close the door during work hours) I kept my art stuff out on the desk even though this is the common area.
Now, the problem with all of this is EVERY. SINGLE. BIT. OF. IT. DRIVES. DONNIE. CRAZY.
Donnie is not looking at the house through the eyes of someone worried about what people think, he is looking at the house through the eyes of someone who doesn’t like clutter and the miscellaneous laundry baskets and mattresses and art supplies are DRIVING HIM CRAZY.
It turns out, we lined up perfectly when I was constantly hiding the “ugly” stuff because we were having company come over. And now that I’m all, “Fuck it. This is my house and I just want it to function for me and my family,” Donnie is like…WAIT. BUT IT NO LONGER FUNCTIONS FOR ME.
We’ve been working on compromises. We bought a rollaway bed, but right now it’s also cluttering up the place because I have to replace my daughter’s mattress with the mattress on the floor because it’s better and that’s just a big hassle and I’m worried the rollaway bed won’t be as comfy so I’m putting it off. We’re also looking for a cart or something that will fit under the desk for my art supplies.
But this is all so weird! Donnie and I have been together for 20+ years and we’ve always aligned with domestic stuff. I’ve never felt like we were having to find compromises like this but now that I stopped caring about my house being some weird version of “Show Ready” and caring more about function, turns out our natural preferences for order don’t line up.
If you and your partner have conflicted ideas of domestic order/standards, how do you function? THIS IS KILLING ME. JUST LET ME DO WHAT I WANT IN MY HOUSE.
(He’s thinking, “THIS IS KILLING ME. I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS CHAOS IN MY OWN HOUSE!”)
Any tips or tricks for compromising around domestic preferences for order/tolerance for chaos?