My brain is packed with chaotic negative thoughts most days and it’s hard to parse them out and pick them apart because survival is always the priority and I don’t have the emotional energy to catch one of the 100 fleeting anxious/negative thoughts at any moment and hold it to try to figure out where it came from and how to neutralize it.
But! When I keep seeing the same one zip by over and over again it starts to stand out and I find myself trying to grab it more and make sense of it. This morning, making a cup of coffee, I finally caught one in my hand and spent a little bit of time parsing it out.
I realized that there’s this weird part of my psyche that feels like I need to present as a happy and joyful person every moment of every day because…WAIT FOR IT…I don’t want anyone to think that I’m sad because I got fat.
Part of this “new” anxious thought is due to the prospect of seeing people again now that we are all getting vaccinated. I’ve put on a lot of weight in the last 14 months and while there’s no part of me who cares to try to lose it, I find myself constantly worrying that people are going to see me fatter and think, she just seems so much sadder since she put on all of that weight.
Because here’s the thing. I did get sadder. And fatter. Simultaneously.
But it’s not just with the random people I know I’ll be seeing again soon…it’s also with family and people I see every day. I am aware that it’s natural to try to find a cause when someone you know is suffering from mental illness and I’m really worried that - because my trajectory of sadness followed along perfectly with my trajectory of “Stopped Counting Calories And Miles And Demonizing Foods Therefore Put On Weight” - some will create a causation relationship instead of a correlation.
Why do I think that?
Because I know that WE ALL HAVE BEEN SUBCONSCIOUSLY PROGRAMMED BY THE SAME SOCIETAL AND CULTURAL FORCES OF EVIL.
Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme.
But I learned in therapy, that I had to really spend time facing the fact that I have unconscious bias and programming that tells me: SKINNY IS BETTER/HEALTHIER/HAPPIER. And so if someone seems sad AND fat then that unconscious bias creates a cause/effect relationship between the two. And it’s like there’s a part of me that wants to PROVE those two things are not related by presenting as my HAPPIEST and BEST self even as I am also the FATTEST I’ve ever been.
So basically what I’ve been doing is beating myself up for being sad because I want to prove to people: LOOK. GAINING WEIGHT DOES NOT MAKE YOU SAD OR UNHEALTHY! I want to exist as proof that contradicts that unconscious bias we all have. And I can’t, because my brain is still my brain and while I know my deteriorating mental health is not connected to my weight gain, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PROVE THAT TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And so that’s the deep-dive into one of the many fleeting anxious thoughts that fly through my brain on any single day. It seems I am trying to put the responsibility of shattering unconscious bias towards fat people all on my own personal shoulders and beating myself up because I’m not doing it right.
Seems pretty on par for Kim, honestly.
Yes!!! I see and hear what you’re saying. I’m glad you were able to parse it out and tune into it. What sucks is if the weight gain does cause health issues - like for me 😣 I was starting to be ok with myself, but then wellness check and bloodwork showed all signs of possible health concerns that would need maintenance meds. Combination of gaining weight (BMI says I’m so obese now but we are not getting into it), not exercising and getting old!!! Then, I don’t know if it is the wires in my brain, but I have felt better when I have lost weight in the past but I think it’s more because of feeling and being healthier. I don’t even know anymore 🤷🏻♀️Clearly I’m still stuck in my cycle 😣